State of Mind - Now and then

How hard is it to say no?

How hard is it to say a No or hear one?

I thought its easy for the other person to say No and tough for the one who’s hearing it or taking a rejection. I was wrong, its hard for both the parties, people who are telling you No and the one who is on the other end hearing a No.

People reading this must be running their minds, ‘Ab kisne No bol diya? Dosto ne?’

(who said no now, a friend?) specially after my last post of me writing about feeling lonely and not having many people around.

It’s a difficult post to write as I want to get this thing out of my heart but still not mention much, because you can only write so much, having a digital presence is risky, you are associated with so many things, people related to you, the company you work for, the friends you have. Anyone can link it to anything. Not that I have 1000 readers.

My wise friend Rabia advised me to be anonymous, also because I can write more. But I would like to have some readers and being anonymous, I will have none. It’s difficult to grab people to hear you out or read what you write if they are not benefiting from anything out of it.

Ok, what you just read was something I wrote 3 months ago, I wrote it and it was just lying in my drafts and as things repeat themselves, situations repeat and so does our feelings. And here I am again worrying about the ‘No’ I just told.

It’s tough being rejected and rejecting someone, with this whole process I understand there are so many variables you look at when you say No, it’s not just you or how you qualify, there can be other silly reasons, as silly as – It didn’t click to me, my heart didn’t feel like it. More than that I feel - it’s not the right time. But I know that when I hear something that isn't expected, God has better plans for me, he has always rewarded me with the best, better than what I asked for, be it a  job or a house, sometimes the decisions I take makes me fall short but the things he pick for me have always been the best, so the way I like to see it is -may it's not the best for me, remember Allah always wants the best for you, he knows what's good for you and what you will like the most, so he will pick what is in your best interest, so it's ok not to feel dejected when you hear a No.

 If you are reading it in March of 2020, you know why its not the right time. It’s not the right time to say yes to anything, infact it’s the time to undo all the yes’s you have told in the past, undo the yes for the wedding, to move homes, to change jobs and to travel. Yes, we have been in a complete lockdown past few weeks, thanks to coronavirus but the virus aside, life still keeps moving but the decisions you make in life are hugely impacted by Mr.Corona (not the beer, the virus). The way Coronavirus is spreading right now, I can probably right another 5-10 posts about how it has changed our lives, others lives and our every day activities, but for today I just wanted to finish documenting this weird, guilty feeling you get when you say No.

 It is a cryptic post, I just didn't want something I wrote lying on my desktop..so here it is. At this point I so wish to go anonymous and write my heart out.

Post vacation blues

Alright! I can't start another blog saying a lot has changed, it has..but, I will take a turn to write about post vacation blues. 

Post vacation when you come back from India is worst, post vacation feelings when you travel locally are bad too. If you read my last post you know I was going to Seattle for Thanksgiving. I have been back for a week now and only now after a week I feel comfort in my mind about being myself allowing myself to digest the way I am. Is it just me or it happens to everyone, that it takes some time to be back to the routine.

Tomorrow when I will wake up and go to work and welcome a new employee, I will feel back on my feet. Yes, another reason it's been slow on my side past 2 weeks is because one of my colleagues I use to manage/mentor quit. Not because I was bad, because she wanted go back to her country. It felt sad, investing so much time and emotional support for her to adjust in the company and off work and then suddenly one day she sent a text that she resigned. It felt like the first student I had gave up in my class. Anyways, tomorrow will be a new beginning and new challenge with a new person..it will also help me get back to my routine, I hope..at least at work.

It's holiday season and winter isn't very encouraging me to be active, the kitchen in the house is slow, the refrigerator isn't very full. Most of our meals are bread something, egg something. I experience this every winter, I am lazy to cook, I lose my appetite, I am mostly in front of the TV or on phone. The screen time widget puts me to shame every time I see the time I spend on phone each day. Good tracking tool apple, it's eye opening how much we can be with a machine.

Me Currently ^

Coming back to recovering from vacation, I always feel I pick up few things from the people I meet on my vacation trips and try to be like them unconsciously. Pick up the same interests or act like them, you don't feel yourself when you are back from vacation, you want to be more than what you are..that's what it means when they say 'you look fresh after the break,' inside  you are fighting your thoughts if you really want to be where you are, geographically, professionally and in personal life, if you have what you need, if you meet your goals/dreams of what you had thought you will do or be, in short too many thoughts.

Right now, I am thinking where to go next, cant travel outside the country, I have so many interest to explore..but I am stuck in the US because of visa constraints. I wish boundaries did not exist, I wish we all were free to go wherever we want, without visa or a passport. Didn't I right on this topic before?

I chose to express it, totally!

Ok! Everyone knows this but can I take a moment and rant about it. Just because it's my moment and I chose to write about it. Just to vent it out?

No, it's not about politics. It's not about a fight or an argument. It's about a woman and her rush of extreme emotion of thoughts in her time of period.

On a normal day when I see my brother eat, I don't cry. I just feel he's born to eat, khaata peeta bacha hai..that's it. But this weekend, we were all together, me, my sister, brother and his gf and my husband. Desi family unions, you know all we do is eat. I ate too..to an extent and everyone did. But seeing my brother eat, I got very emotional. Because he's dating a white girl, and everytime brother hogs on indian food, I feel had he dated an Indian girl he could ear biryani any day and khichdi, khurma any meal. Ssh hope no one from the family reads this blog, specially the brother. 

Now, I don't know if I have this problem seeing my brother eat - I cry is a normal sister brother scenario or if it's just because some harmones are up and down and hitting wrong notes, making my heart go in wrong directions and creating some salty water flood in my eyes just because I am on a period. 

Why do women have to go through all this? Was the physical discomfort not enough that we have to go through mental torture too? 

One more thing I noticed is, I have a good connection with God, Almighty Allah, and when we are not allowed to pray in this time, I totally feel lost, unable to rely on someone that is the creator sitting up miles high sitting above 7 layers of sky watching us. It's so unfair to be not able to connect with him. They should have thought about some alternative, that hey if you are on your period, you cannot pray but you can still do bla bla bla. 

Now, if this hormonal imbalance thing is mixed with Monday blues, it makes a much worse combination. Double the worries, double the mountain of stress you carry on your shoulder and double the amount of time it takes one to fall sleep. Ugh!! 

I did share it with my sister and husband about how I felt. But..you can only complain so much and cry so much. Imagine, crying because 'brother can't eat indian food coz he's seeing someone who's not indian.' Sounds funny, but any tiny thing you would totally ignore on a normal day becomes as big problem as an issue which needs to be handled by UNO when a woman is on her period. 

I wish there was a way to handle it, other than over eating and blaming bloating when you cannot fit in your regular jeans. 

Hmm..that's all I had to rant. Hope mom/ brother doesn't come across this blog or they would kill me for disclosing personal issues in public. 

Getting basics right.

This might be a short post, I don't know. Hmm..I've been going to malls to pick a shoe which I can wear in this season, when I say this season-its spring but its snowing flaking and still chilly, no I am not going to complain about the climate, I am just an expat so I don't even think I have the right. Before it started snowing I got suede boots not realizing the ice and snow would make sh*t of the boots and my legs too. I wore them couple of times when it didn't snow, they still look worn out the snow aftermath did its job. I managed wearing the leather boots my father got me when I was in ninth standard, I never got a chance to wear them in India. When I came here I wore them for job fairs and interviews and gave them a top shelf corner space - prayed them, now they're dead the snow ate them. :(  The things which my parents get me are very special, I feel so bad to even throw the plastic bags/boxes they send me sweets, namkeen, achar in from India. I remember when my sister got her first job she got my sister the Harry Potter series and brown sandals for me, I still remember them, they had bow in front. We kept our shoes in a shelf under the stair case, I guarded them in the same box they came in, once in a while I would wear them in house and walk around, one day when I opened the box I found the white mouldy fungus thing on the shoes and the leather was ruined, the rain water some how entered into the box and my shoes were gone, the first thing my sis gave with her first salary went in vain, I didn't even wear them once :( Now my younger sister tells she'll get boots for me, when I asked what did you get for me, you are earning now.

Today my friends at work were talking about the skirts and different clothes they wear in summer/fall and I was thinking about my boring clothes and my sisters dialogues in background, more or less I would  just buy a capri and not wear socks with shoes haha!

Coming back to the shoes, last week I got shoes from dsw, the same store whose website I browse at nights when I don't fall sleep. After spending an hour, I got gray suede heals, on a sunday morning I was their first customer, I trashed the requirements again, I wanted something to protect me from snow/cold.

In the evening I wore them and I see they're coming out of my feet when I walk fast. I cleaned them right away and put them back in the box and returned them the next day. It doesn't happen often that I return something which was on sale or clearance but this time I had to..

The plus point of being in India or any tropical place- you don't have to buy different shoes, clothes  for every season. You are not bound to that pain of packing unpacking from the suitcase when the season changes or blame my cupboard size -I don't have a big cupboard/storage. I don't have that many things to do cos I just put on a sweater on the top which I'd wear in spring, summer or fall, but the people who live hear they have a complete different set of clothes, they enjoy buying different clothes for different seasons I guess..at least summer clothes. Haha!I am remembering how mom use to take excuses to buy different sarees every season, before rainy season she'd go for rainy season saree shopping and in summer for cotton sarees and that pain of taking those sarees to dry clean and put on startch.  I think pain is everywhere from buying summer/woolen clothes to buying rainy/summer sarees..I didn't know I would pacify myself on this argument when I was starting my blog. That's what writing is for..at least for me, I can yell, talk, cry or calm myself.

By the way, I went to the mall today and got a leopard print sandals for summer, they were on sale in Payless. Hopefully I won't return them, they were cheap for that price, I am sure mom will like them if I don't ;)