Stepping into Fall..

The weather is cozy, I usually don’t like weather like this. It’s a little gloomy, but bright. When I was growing up I would usually call it a ‘romantic weather.’ Because all I felt like doing when it was cloudy was to dream and sleep.

Right now, I feel like it’s a Seattle kind of a day or I feel like I am in London. Husband would totally argue if I say so, arguing – ‘if once in 10 days it’s a cloudy day, you can’t say its Seattle kind of a day, sun does come there,’ maybe it does, but that’s not enough sun for me. Doesn’t weather play so much with our feelings? For me it does. But, it feels good to be indoors, back in my sweater, sipping hot tea. It’s been a long long summer this time,I have soaked enough sun, finished two tubes of sun block. We have been at home for more than six months, we all have skilled the polar bear life, though the real test would be now, when the fall starts and soon we will step into winter.

Today I feel good, there’s clarity in my mind. The brain fog has cleared, a lot of times we live in confusion, specially when we have options, not picking any, living in confusion, not assessing what’s good and bad. What I learnt past few months is that, when in doubt – just ask, if its for you, it will come to you. This may sound cryptic, but people who knows would know.

The day has passed, it was a long weekend and its Tuesday today, I have zero but -1 motivation to work and I blame the weather, but hey I am writing because of the weather.

I have my favorite song playing , I don’t listen to it just any time, I savor it for moments, for me, each song takes me back to a moment. This song unfortunately takes me back to my school crush. Yesterday I watched ‘Dil se,’ its one of my favorite movies. I remember I used to listen to the audio album so many times while growing up, there are songs I would listen on repeat and this is one of those songs. My parents always thought I was a crazy girl, because I was always indoors with my books, learning, byhearting stuff, I also use to maintain a journal, I did it from 6^th Standard to 10^th or 11^th, then I moved online to my blog and the digital life took me away from penning things down, I regret doing that, I remember often I would read what I wrote and re-live some of the stuff.

Digital space is good, but not good enough, I post things on Instagram sometimes, but don’t want to come across as a person who shows off, so a lot of times I would just picture something or try posting it, but then erase it. I would also not put a lot of things because you never know how people would see it. There’s happiness, sorrow all kind of feelings one goes through, but we can only portray a certain character to certain people. I realized, I am a different person with different people and a completely different person with some. Sometimes I get confused am I being fake? But I don’t think that’s what it is, you can only open up so much to some people, things they don’t teach you about growing up!

When I was growing up dad would bring video cassettes of movies he grew up watching and try to make us watch it too, we would run away and think why’s dad so old fashioned? There’s so much new good stuff, why can’t he watch that? Now, I know..because my playlist and the movies I go back to are the ones I grew up watching, it has a special place and takes you back in time.

I had so many goals for 2020 and everything went phew..because God had plans for all of us before we could execute our own, I am thankful though that I am not effected by the virus. If not anything, I was more connected with myself than anything during this time, sometimes I really pondered why am I really here and is there a purpose for me on the earth?

Right now, I just feel like going to the mountains and live there, America has made life too comforting, I miss waiting for bus and saving money, in short I miss growing up. If I knew growing up was a path to a comforting boring life, I would never grow up. Haha! Anyways, yesterday after watching Dil Se, it reminded me of my forgotten travel destination where I always wanted to go when I was growing up – Leh and Ladakh. Travelling seems like a dream now, specially to Kashmir, can I ever go there in this life time? Such a heavenly place ruined and destroyed by politics. Kashmir was always a dream, I dreamt Dal lake so many times, the hills and the trucks. If I had to pick somewhere to be born, it would be in the beautiful Kashmir..with blue eyes..💙

Anyways, this random post is dedicated to my favorite song and my feelings to it..